I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
