Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I have demons in me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
