I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
