What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
