oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Randomize
