You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
