Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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