My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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