She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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