I'm drive I can fine osifer
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
