so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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