i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
