After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
