I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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