I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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