I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
