He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
