Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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