Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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