my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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