I think I died a long time ago.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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