Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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