ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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