I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
