I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
