Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
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I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
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I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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