I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
