You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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