this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
