i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
