He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
