new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
