Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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