So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Sorry about my life...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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