i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
