I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
