I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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