I can text with my tongue
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
