just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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