You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
