I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
this will be a night to untag.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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