i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
