I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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