I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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