look no pants
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
