just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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