I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
