My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
