Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
