I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
