weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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