You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
