he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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