We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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