Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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