I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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