The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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