I haven't been this sober since birth.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
