ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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