Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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