Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize