Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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